Dear Elu - October 2018
Author: Eluial Aldaran, October 2018
Hello readers! For today’s edition of Dear Elu, we dive into deeper territory. I’ve described this column as a “relationship advice” column, and it’s important to remember that relationships can be broad and varied. They can be with other people or with ourselves. We can have relationships with abstract concepts, or with society at large, or with our ideas of others perceptions of us, or with our histories and traumas.
Our first two questions for today are related to topics that might be sensitive for some people, so I’ve put content warnings before each question, so that you can decide for yourself if it’s something you’re comfortable reading about. If you’re here for something more lighthearted, then skip down to question #3, which is fun and silly, because it’s always nice to have a little balance in life, right? Alright, let’s go!
Content warnings for this question/answer: weight, weight loss, fat shaming and fatphobia.
Dear Elu,
I'm overweight and always have been. I've never been bullied for it, but it's been commented on here and there often enough. And I've been beating myself up over it my entire life. I started working out several years ago, and while my activity levels have waxed and waned, I've kept it up, even started getting more serious about it. I started for me, I didn't want to worry about the scales and the measurements, but slowly I started caring. I wanted my efforts to have visible results, I wanted people to notice that I was doing something.
We all have "bleh" days, where we just don't feel our best, but those are always so hard on me. I feel like an elephant, to put it bluntly. And I think everyone around me thinks I look like one too.
I want to get back to working out because I enjoy it (Great masochist that I am /sarcasm), and not just for the sake of the scales/measurements. Of course I want to be healthy, but if I work out for that reason alone, I'll fall off the wagon. I need to enjoy it. I need to let go of the thought that people think I'm less valuable as person because I weigh more than I should. And if they DO think that, then I don't need them.
So I guess my question is: what would you say to this? I'm not in the habit of going to others for affirmation and all that, but I've become so in the habit of refusing to even acknowledge or talk about my weight to others, that I think reaching out could help me let go of the crippling self consciousness I struggle with. Many thanks,
Feeling Weighed Down
Dear FWD,
Thank you for reaching out! I think it’s really fantastic that you did so. I understand the fear of rejection or dismissal, too, so I just want you to take a moment to acknowledge to yourself that it’s kind of a big deal for you to have done this. So, to (eventually) get to your question, I’m going to take a step back, away from your personal situation, and go a little more abstract.
Let’s talk about fatphobia and the trope of the healthy fat person. The common trope here is that people will often defend their weight by pointing to various indicators of good health, such as various blood markers, blood pressure, heart rate, etc. Let me be clear: I’m NOT getting down on anyone who does or has done that. It’s a perfectly valid response, especially considering the world we live in. What I want to point out is that your value is not tied up with your health. You are valuable as a person, and valid and lovable and amazing, regardless of your perceived or actual health status.
We have all heard a million times all the numerous factors that can lead to someone being fat, whether it’s diet, genetics, environment, illness, trauma, whatever. The thing is, as soon as we start giving moral weight (pun...intended?) to some of these factors over others, we start chipping away at the worth of some people to raise up others.
So, what would I say to your letter, FWD? I would say that your weight has no bearing whatsoever on your value and worth. And before you punch your screen because that’s maybe the 80 millionth time you’ve heard/read that this month, I want you to stop and think about what I mentioned above, so let me rephrase: your health, any aspect of your health, does not determine your worth as a person. It does not determine your likableness, your lovableness.
Honestly, I think it’s great to want to get healthy. As someone who is starting to feel the effects of aging, I can’t deny that if I was in better shape my body wouldn’t hurt as much all the damn time. But what I want for you, FWD, is to try to separate the concepts of “fat” and “health” from your mind. Not because they’re necessarily or inherently unrelated, but because linking them serves no purpose for you.
One final thought. Our reasons for things can be (and are, whether or not we admit it) incredibly complex. I hear that you need a better reason than “health” to work out, and that it needs to be for you. But, I want to tell you that it’s actually OK if it’s, in part, for your looks, or for other people, or to fit into a particular outfit, or to lower your cholesterol, or whatever other reason we’ve deemed “not OK”. It’s really alright for all these reasons to coexist and tumble across and over each other. Occasionally they’ll even duke it out with one another and some days maybe the thing that gets you to the gym is “my mom made an offhand comment about my weight again”.
Because in the end, you’re still winning. Not because going to the gym equals winning by default, but because you have decided that you want to go to the gym. It was your decision from the start. Sometimes maybe the motivation doesn’t sit as pretty for you, but remember: it’s still your decision.
Just keep going, FWD. You got this.
Elu
Content warning for this question/answer: discussions about sexual assault victims, current events/politics
Dear Elu,
I’m not super political but it’s hard not to catch stuff about the news these days. A lot of the stuff about the #metoo movement and the Supreme Court nominations and all the other stuff coming out is really starting to get to me, I think. I’m a sexual assault survivor and I’ve told people close to me but never told any authorities or anything. I don’t think I need professional help but I’ve just been sad and angry a lot lately and it seems like maybe it’s related to all that. I don’t know what to do because I’m not actually looking for news stuff, but it’s all over my facebook and I can’t get away from it. I guess my question is, do you have any advice on how to deal with all this?
There’s Too Much
Thanks,
Dear TTM,
On a personal note: holy BANANAS do I hear you on this one. It is everywhere and impossible to escape unless you become a hermit. And then the loneliness sets in and that’s honestly not much better.
OK, so, I need to make this disclaimer: I AM NOT A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL! You should not take anything I say as healthcare advice. If you think you’re in danger (from yourself or someone else) you should immediately seek out professional care.
I’m sorry, I know all that seems gaudy but it’s important. So OK. First things first, you mention you’ve told people close to you, but have you received any professional care for it? I know that’s not possible for everyone, but if you’re someone who is able to see a therapist, I really cannot recommend enough that you find someone who is experienced with sexual trauma and work through that stuff with them. There’s a lot there that you maybe don’t even realize. But on to more immediate things.
Try to limit your Facebook/social media time and be very goal-oriented with the time you do spend on there. I know it’s hard, but do your best to avoid political posts your friends and family make. Try spending more time liking/commenting on non-political stuff -- hopefully the FB algorithms will get the idea. If you’re in social groups, visit those group pages directly instead of looking through your feed for posts from them in order to minimize your exposure to random politics. If you have friends who talk about politics a lot, ask them (kindly and in a non-accusatory fashion) to minimize that kind of conversation around you for the next little while. Explain as much as you feel comfortable; you don’t owe them an explanation but if they’re your friends they might really appreciate one.
Why all this avoidance? Because what’s going on here is that your traumatic memories are being triggered by the current news cycle. I know everyone likes to make fun of being triggered these days, but it’s a real psychological phenomenon and something that happens in response to trauma, which you absolutely experienced. It’s not a weakness and it’s not your fault, not even a little.
Apart from that, focus on taking care of yourself, AKA self care. And, contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t mean candle lit bubble baths with smooth jazz playing in the background (though it can be that, too! I mean, you do you). Self care encompasses many things, only one of which is pampering yourself. Self care can also include doing the laundry or cleaning your house or paying that bill you’ve been avoiding or going to the gym. Self care means doing what you need to do to ease the tension in your mind. Sometimes we do that by relaxing, but other times we do that by crossing things off our to-do lists and reminding ourselves of our competence.
Finally, find someone to talk to. This might be a professional, but it doesn’t have to be if you’re unable to do that. Friends can help (but be wary of putting too much on others who may be experiencing similar issues), and there are also lots of support groups out there, even on FB! Finding other people going through what you’re going through can be an incredibly healing experience.
I wish you all the best,
Elu
Dear Elu,
What is the square root of cherry pie with ice cream? Pies are generally round, so this greatly puzzles me.
Dear no-sign-off,
I’m glad you asked. The root of any pie is clearly the crust. It’s square because you put it in a pie box. You’d think the ice cream is going to mess up the equation but actually what happens is that it cancels out with the filling. So you’re left with a crust inside a box. Might I suggest next time you try a strawberry rhubarb pie? Because it has two fillings, when you square root it, only one goes away. It’s really just basic math.
Hope this helps!
Elu
