The Beginning

Author: Dee ar'Emm

The Creation

Self-Proclaimed Pet Kender of the
Dai m'Hael Company of the
White Tower at TarValon.net

In the beginning, before the Wheel of Time started turning, it was dark. Very dark. The Creator decided that it was too dark to get any work done, hence he created light.
But, it didn't help much, he still couldn't see a thing. Hence, he took off his sunglasses.
He still couldn't see. He pondered on the problem for a while, then removed his eyepatches. And the Creator threw his hand before eyes, because the Light was very strong in his unaccustomed eyes. He fumbled around, found, and replaced his sunglasses.
Then he squinted.
And the Creator saw that the light was good, and he called it "Day". He flicked off the switch, and called Darkness "Night". He flipped the lightswitch again, and the fuse sprang . . .
After replacing the fuse, and the light came back on, the Creator saw. It was a big emptiness around him. So, he created some water, and called it Ocean. In the Ocean, he put whales, fish and shells and some other stuff.
And all was good.
The Creator then made dirt, and made it rise above the Ocean. He called this new thing, "Land". And the Land was wet, because it had just arisen from the Ocean. The Creator took a deep breath, and nearly suffocated. He had neglected to create Air yet. In between the coughs, the Creator created Air, and he breathed easily . . .
On Land, the Creator put a lot of herbivorous animals, like elephants, horses and sheep and such. They starved, because there was not yet any trees, bushes or berries growing, to feed them. So, the Creator started to let grass, bushes and trees grow, but, unfortunately, it was way to late for many of the animals. But when the animals finally DID get food, they multiplied, and soon covered all of Land.
And the Creator threw a party, and invited a bunch of people. Then, he remembered, he hadn't CREATED any people yet. It was a sad party. Lot's of Vodka and stuff, but no other than the Creator to drink it.
The Creator woke up the next day with a terrible hangover. In his misheap, he created the Dark One. And the Dark One lured the Creator into drinking a bit more, to help with the hangover. It did help, but the Creator was not very happy that day.
When the Creator was recovered from the hangover, he decided he needed a herder for the animals. And he then created Man. And, MAN, was he good at eating fruits and berries . . . .
Meanwhile, only a swallow's flight away, the Dark One was corrupting some of the animals, so they started hunting and eating the other animals.
The Creator came over the Dark One just as he was finished corrupting, and, after imprisoning the Dark One, made some birds to fly and watch over Land and Ocean and Air, and then report to Man what they had seen.
But the Dark One didn't give up. He picked the lock on his prison, and once again roamed the land, corrupting a few of the birds, too. Then he went to Man, and said, "Real Men eats meat, you know," before wandering off to continue to plot against the Creator.
And Man then went to 7Eleven, and ordered a 1/4-pounder, with bacon, hold the cheese. But Man was the only man on Land, so he didn't get his order. He DID get a rest-order, though, to be delivered when 7Eleven had people to work there . . .
Man went to the Creator, and told him what the Dark One had said, and then he demanded some Whalebeef to eat. "But whalebeef ain't no good when it's raw," the Creator answered, and gave Man Fire, and a pound or so whalebeef.
Man roasted the whalebeef, and the Creator saw that Man liked it, and asked for a taste. And he DID taste the whalebeef. And the Creator thought "Marvellous, I think we need some more Men to go whalehunting . . . ."
And the Creator created a harpoon, and a ship large enough to hunt the whales, and a refridgerator to hold the whalebeef until it could be eaten. But, there were no people to man the ship.
Then, the Creator gave Man a few bottles of Vodka, and told Man to drink quite fast. The Creator waited impatiently for Man to drink himself from his senses, then he took one of Man's ribs out, and filled the space with Brain.
From the rib, the Creator made Man's counterpart, Wo-Man. When Man woke up, he had a terrible hangover, and stuck his head in a bucket of icewater, to clear it. When Man looked up, he saw into a pair of emerald-green eyes, and a slight smile. Wo-Man said she was Created while Man was out cold, and she was made to please him, whenever she didn't have a headache.
"Man," Man said, "headaches a cruel. In what way will you please me? Can you man the ship and go whalehunting, while I sit here and drink with the Creator?"
"No," Wo-Man answered, "but I can mix your drinks."
"Create more like her," Man told the Creator, to which the Creator answered: " But I can't remove more of your ribs, or your chest will fall flat, and no longer be able to protect your heart and lunges."
"MAN!!!" man said.
Then, just out of the blue, the first electricity bill arrived. The Creator went over to the el-company, and asked what this was all about. "You know, that sun of yours, takes a LOT of electricity to run. You might out a power-saving bulb in there instead, to reduce the amount of power drawn, and thus reduce your bill", said the el-company, El-Co.
The Creator grumbled, he hadn't even made money yet, so how was he supposed to pay this bill? "That's not our concern, we just have to get the money, to re-invest in new equipment, and pay our employees", was the answer, before the door was locked behind him.
"You have EMPLOYEES??????", screamed the Creator, "Where did you get them?"
But only Silence answered . . . .
The Creator went home in frusration. Where did the El-Co get the employees from? Had the Dark One betrayed him, and Created more people? No, that couldn't be it. The Dark One wasn't that clever, besides, he lacked the Foresight Talent. So where did they get people from?
When the Creator cam home, Man and Wo-Man had thrown a party, to celebrate their first night together. They had started a Heavy Metal Band, Man played guitar, and Wo-Man was a backupsinger slash sexy dancer. They thought they did well. The Creator said to them, "You should have a rhythm guitar, a bass, a drummer and a leadsinger too, just like Iron Maiden"
"Iron Who?", said the humans. "The Iron Maiden . . . ahh, I forgot, they don't come along until the sixth Age, the "PowerAge", as some will call it by then"
"Age????"
"Alright. Man, Wo-Man, here's the deal. I've thought, I should make a Wheel, with seven spokes, that turns. For each turn, an Age will end, and another begin. In the Third Age, a man should be born, on the slopes of a black mountain. He will do stuff he will be the only man to have done in the Third Age."
"Sounds like an idea, Creator, but what will happen when all the seven Ages are finished?"
"Then the Ages start anew, silly. The destruction mankind brings down on itself in the Seventh Son of a Seventh . . . . no, that's a record that ain't released yet . . . I need to create Time soon, so I can keep track of what is where and happenes when . . . Sorry for that, where was I? Oh yeah. The destruction mankind brings down on itself by the end of the Seventh Age, will be so great, he won't remember them, and then Call the Age that follows, the First Age again."
"But what if some silly sucker survives that carnage, and brings out the papers to document what happened?"
"No one will believe him, and they will start to think the Earth is flat again."
"You mean the Earth ain't flat????? What shape is it? Triangular? Quadratic? Bent over? Octagonal? And besides, what is a 'Wheel' in the first place?
The Creator looked at Man and Wo-man. "You know, one idiot can ask more than ten wise guys can answer. And here, I have TWO woolheads, and there is only one of me."
"Woolheads? Where? Mine is made of flesh and bone," said Man.
The Creator sighed, and poured himself some vodka, and mixed it with orange juice. He offered some wine to the humans, which they declined. There was silence for a few minutes, then Wo-Man said, in a very low voice: "Darn, Creator, is it OK if I call you George? It's much easier to say than "Creator" all the time." "Ok, Wo-Man, you can call me George, but only when you're off duty."

{Kender mode OFF} The Legend of Creation actually goes a bit further, but this is the essence of it. I'm sorry, my research has been a bit sloppy at times, but I think I've covered what happened before the Creator got around to make the Wheel of Time".

• I hope you have enjoyed yourself, and seen all the wierd images in your mind, as I saw when I wrote this piece of humbug.

If anyone feels offended by this, PLEASE tell me, so I can do some re-writing on it. I don't wanna offend anyone, I only wanna try to be funny. Feel free to laugh at my silly attempts, though . . .
{Kender mode ON}