Dear Elu - August 2018
Author: Eluial Aldaran, August 2018
Hi everyone! It’s the inaugural edition of TarValon.net’s very own general relationship advice column! I’m super excited to be doing this, and to be answering your questions! Because this is our first edition and also because a lot of the questions I received revolved around relationships here at the Tower, I’m going to dedicate this article to the ins, outs, intricacies, and weirdnesses of interpersonal relationships on this little forum of ours. So here goes!
Dear Elu,
It seems that I have gotten a not so great [sic] reputation with a group of people online. How can I change it so that things aren’t weird if I interact with them?
Slipup Sally
Thanks,
Hi Sally!
First, I want to say I hear your frustration. Not much feels worse in the world of social navigation than feeling like you’ve been tagged with an unfair or undeserved reputation. It can feel extremely frustrating and also invalidating for people to have an impression of you that you think is just not who you are!
Now, while I have some of my own suspicious about what this is about, I’d like to maybe try to address this situation from a slightly different angle than usual. And that is that I’d like you, Sally, to consider this: Why do you care? Take a minute or two and really think about what it is you’re after here. Are you looking for acceptance from this group? If so, what does that acceptance represent to you? By the way, none of these questions are meant to be asked flippantly or in a school-yard “well why do YOU care so much *sticks tongue out*” kind of way. Rather, I hope to invite you to do some serious thinking about the topic to better understand your desires here.
But OK, let’s actually give you an answer to your question! Do you want people to like you and be your friend? Then be yourself! *ducks at all the rotten fruit being thrown at me* For real, though. Yes, it’s extremely trite. But you can’t make people like you. Either you mesh with them or you don’t. So instead of trying to force yourself into where you think you should be, just be who you are, be real, and you’ll find your people. It’s really OK to not be universally liked. In fact, I would say it’s a mark of being a healthy adult to not be pandering to every person or group.
Dear Elu,
I really want this person to be my bondmate. We both have a bond available and I think they’re interesting. But I don’t feel like they think I’m as interesting and I don’t know how to talk to them. I’m afraid someone is going to bond them before I have a chance to.
Alone in Altara*
Thank you,
(*Please note I had to edit this one a bit more heavily than I’d prefer to because of the nature of the small pool of people it could apply to. I believe I’ve kept the original essence of the question intact but if I messed up too much please feel free to correct me using the question form.)
Hi AA!
Thanks for writing in. Bonding is definitely a big part of the culture in the Tower and it can suck to feel like you’re being left out or left behind. So let’s take a minute to think about what the bond, in real [forum] life, represents. Obviously we have based it on what happens in the books, and so we tend to think of our bondmates as someone who has our back, someone we can rely on. They’re a friend, maybe a confidant, maybe a partner-in-crime. Some people take bonding very seriously, and only do it after a lot of consideration. Some people like to bond someone they just had a few good times and clicked with. It’s all very personal and different, and what you want for yourself is totally up to you.
But that means that what someone else wants for them is also totally up to them! Just like with any other relationship, this one can’t be forced. It means that, like any other relationship, it needs to be built on mutual trust, interest, and buy-in. And, if I may take a moment of bluntness: relationships, no matter their nature, are not status symbols. If you take the time to put yourself out there, to get to know others, to let them get to know you, to see them as valuable for themselves and not for what they represent, I guarantee you’re going to find some really great people to bond with, both in the figurative sense and in the Tower sense.
Dear Elu,
I had a disagreement with someone in a private forum. They weren’t content to wallow in their wrongness, instead, they tried to spread their wrongness all across the thread like error stricken Machin Shin. When someone is wrong on the internet, you correct them or the terrorists win. I felt like I was victorious, however, it seems like a foul wind has fallen into the forum. Every time I post I feel like the rest of the forum is trying to bring me down into the darkness. I just want to feel comfortable in that forum again, what should I do?
Righting Wrongs in Tar Valon
Dear RWTV,
Wow! That is definitely a very evocative description of the situation! So I definitely don’t think that we should always defer to majority opinion, but sometimes, when enough people are saying the same thing, it’s perhaps at least worth taking a moment and genuinely assessing whether you’re missing something or not. Since I don’t know the specifics of what happened, it’s hard for me to say whether you’re being treated unfairly or if maybe you really did mess up and owe those people an apology. I’ll leave that up to you, RWTV, to think about and decide for yourself.
But it’s worth keeping in mind that sometimes when we shy away from situations it’s because we’re conflict-averse and scared. But sometimes it’s because we actually know we bear at least some of the blame but don’t know how to proceed from there.
In this situation in particular, if there was one or two people you specifically butted heads with, maybe consider contacting them privately, now that things have had a minute to cool down. Reach out to them, be sincere in what you say. Or maybe there’s someone in that forum that you’re generally friends with that witnessed the whole exchange. Try reaching out to them and seeing if they’d be willing to offer some insight, or maybe an outside point of view about the conversation. If you do ask for this favor, please make sure that you treat this person kindly, as they are definitely doing you a solid and if they share their point of view, you might not like it, but remember that you asked for it.
When trying to resolve conflict, keep in mind that the cheesy advice of using “I statements” actually works! It keeps the focus on you and your feelings and reactions, instead of making assumptions about the other person’s intentions, which will help keep defensive feelings at bay. Saying things like “I felt very hurt when you said ____” is way better than “saying ____ was really messed up and I didn’t like it that you hurt me”. At the end of the day, depending on the exact situation, you might have to publicly address the issue and maybe even publicly apologize.
That’s all for this month. Thanks for reading, and if you have any burning questions about relationships inside or outside the Tower, please submit them using this anonymous form: https://goo.gl/forms/NlOdXapQhXrH7Lms1
All the best,
Elu
